When you're not the same you anymore

Over the last three years we've lost five children.

Four to miscarriage (one second trimester miscarriage) and one to an accident right before she turned 2.

What I realize after this most recent loss, is I'm not the same person anymore.

I still look at out current youngest and every day wonder about the five siblings after him.  Every time people ask about if we would ever try for a girl, but they never realize we already had that.  It's a daily struggle with awkward questions and learning life around the extreme loss and grief that it creates.

Losing your children, no matter the circumstance, changes you.  You lose your ability to deal with fake friends.  You lose the ability to sit through "emotional" movies.  You lose the ability for a lot because every day is a new survival mode and it takes a lot of energy.

You know what else has changed?  A lot.

I've learned it's much easier so show grace for my children rather than anger.  Life is too short to spend being angry and upset.  I've learned the importance of love through the trials rather than judgment.  I've learned the value of the true friends who stay close, and learn to let go of those that aren't. 

I've learned the difference a support system can make.  Because this is not a one time loss, or a one time journey.  This is a life long change, and each loss adds to it.

Yes, I'm still me.  But I'm the not the same me.

I have a lot of patience is new areas, and less tolerance of fake-ness in others.  I've learned the importance of my children and my family.  I've learned to smile and show Joy through God even when my insides are crumbling.

This is not for pity.  This is just to say, all of us are constantly changing.

You will either get bitter at your circumstances, or you will get BETTER through your circumstances.  With God's grace and help I continue to pray we get better as a family.  The trivial things are just that, trivial.  Don't sweat the small stuff, and be okay with letting go of the things that are toxic for you.

Remember that although the extreme hurt is for a season, this is a permanent change.  If you lose your leg it is a permanent loss.  You learn to work around it and live around it and have a great life, but life is never the same.

When you lose your children, every single day you will see the gap and the hole, but over time you learn to live with and around that hole and still have a life with the children that are left.

The finality of knowing we will never have more children is hard.  I kept hoping somewhere we would have another daughter again, or have a few more kids and keep growing.  God has other plans, and moving on as the family we are is a new journey.

Continue to pray, and don't forget to check in on your strong friends. 

Everybody has grief and struggles.  God helps in a way no one else can, but a true friend can make a big difference too.

But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.

1 Peter 5:10 | KJV 

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, 

whose mind is stayed on thee:

because he trusteth in thee.

Isaiah 26:3 | KJV 

Be still, and know that I am God: 

I will be exalted among the heathen,

I will be exalted in the earth.

Psalm 46:10 | KJV 

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4:16 | KJV

Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O Lord. 

Lord, hear my voice: 

let thine ears be attentive 

to the voice of my supplications.

Psalm 130:1-2 | KJV 

But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God.

Acts 20:24 | KJV