Slowing down is good sometimes.

So at the beginning of the year I was focused on SLOWING DOWN.  I hate saying no to anything so I end up over committing and spiraling into busyness, instead of taking time for myself.  It's a constant battle of wanting to stay involved, not going stir crazy, but still taking time for healing and rest.

From January-March I could already feel my schedule going crazy!!  Traveling constantly for music students, running around with homeschooling, field trip, getaways, vacations, and I was already committing to more.  I finally had to put my foot down and just SLOW DOWN what I was doing. 

We made a home music studio, so I don't have to travel as much for music lessons, and it gives me a lot more time with my boys and my husband because I'm not gone all day.  I still teach twice a week at Music and Arts which gives me a good "work day" without being overwhelming.  During the week it's been so much nice lately.  No big plans, just taking a slow summer and resting and healing.  Yes, we still meet up with friends, yes we still have fun, but it's not an every day "must do something".  The kids get more time to play legos, play board games, go bug collecting, go swimming.... just days to do nothing but clean up and play.

Recently a sweet friend came down to help me with Mira's one year anniversary of being gone.  It was great to get some girl time, pedicures, and also kept me busy enough I didn't completely spiral into depression.  It was a fun weekend at the beach, and doing a bunch of fun stuff!  I like that we choose the weekends to be busy, but it's not our life. 

Yes, people think I still run crazy, but that's because they don't see just how much amazing at home time we get.  To just rest.  To just be a family.  To just have days with no major commitments. 

I'm loving this new pace, and this amazing balance.  I have church, music, and friends for my social outlets and musical outlets, and encouragement, but it doesn't consume our time and our lives. 

I used to thrive on being busy and always doing things and having a completely full schedule.  With major loss and life changes, I've learned just how beautiful it can be to slow down, enjoy the small things, and give myself time to just be. 

I've learned it's okay to have days where we do movies, snuggles, and lazy days.  I've learned it's okay to go at a slow pace so I don't burn myself out.  I've learned it's okay to say "no" to things when I truly don't need to commit to more.  I've learned it's okay to let go of friends who are more draining than encouraging. 

It's okay to just take care of my family and not have to be "busy" and be everything for everyone else.

There are seasons to life.  Seasons of busyness, seasons of slow, and seasons of joy and seasons of grief.  I never knew before just how physically exhausting deep grief could be.  Being busy doesn't escape it.  Taking time to heal, slow down, and not over burden myself makes a big difference.

I can't mentally handle the busy rush of life I used to thrive on.  I'm learning to enjoy the quiet and the stillness.  Our three boys keep life busy and amazing, and I'm so thankful for them.  I'm also thankful that they are learning to just love being together and being home, and not have to always be out and busy.

When Mother's Day hurts..the things I never knew.

Mother's Day has always been a happy day for me!  It's a day to celebrate my own mother and make crafts and have fun!

Once I had children, it became even MORE special.  I had a sweet baby boy to hug and snuggle and remind me how amazing this journey of motherhood was.  Even on my hardest days, it was something to always enjoy and embrace. 

Now, don't get me wrong.  I still love being a mother.  I still love my mother.  I still love my boys and Motherhood.  It's just a lot different now than it used to be.

The year we lost the twins Mothers day hurt, but I was also expecting my baby girl which helped lessen the hurt a lot more.  It's hard to take that Mothers Day picture knowing that you're missing some of your children..

Last year, the day after Mother's Day, my daughter passed away.  Since then we have lost two more to miscarriage, and are no longer able to have children due to the surgery that was needed in the process.

Last Mother's Day I remember sitting in bed all day hurting too much to go to church but able to snuggle my sweet baby girl and think of the incredible journey of being her mom.  I love our boys, our daughter, and all the blessings they bring to me daily.

This Mother's Day hurts.

It hurts knowing I'm missing five children.  It hurts knowing I wish I would have known last Mother's Day how different life would be.  It hurts knowing that every Mother's day reminds me how many of my babies I'll never get to hold again.

I have a new outlook.

I now understand the pain of knowing you'll never have another child.  I understand the mom's who are sitting there empty-handed knowing they should be holding their sweet babies.  I'm so thankful for the children we still have, but it is a hard journey when you are missing the majority of your children.

This Mother's Day be thankful.  Hug your mom if you still can.  Hug your sweet babies.  But also remember to be gracious.

Give an extra hug to that mom who may not look like a mom because her babies are in heaven.  Give a hug to that mom who has spent years with infertility.  Give a hug to the other ladies who may need a reminder that they are not forgotten.

If you are a mom that is hurting this Mother's Day remember to give yourself grace.  Give yourself the grace to cry and not be okay all the time.  Remember it's okay to grieve and hurt, just don't allow yourself to live there every day.

It's okay to know that you are missing your baby.  It's okay to remember their due dates, their birthdays, their names, and know that they are always a part of your family.

It will still hurt when you see the cards, the flowers, and mother's being honored for various things.  It's okay to be happy for them, and it's okay to not be okay.

I now know what it's like to hide all the Facebook ads that have the Mother/Daughter matching dresses.  I know what it's like to avoid all the Mothers Day banquets, and events, and cute things. 

Every Mother's Day is a mix of joy and sorrow.   Joy for the amazing children I still have, and the great memories I get with them; and the sorrow that I can't hold my other children ever again. 

Take a day off social media.  Take a day to remember your babies.  Take the time to do what you need to get through the hard days.

Know that you are not alone.  Know that I am praying for you as I hurt through this too. 

If you have your children, hug them extra and be ever so thankful for the memories you still get.  If you aren't able to hug your babies anymore due to loss, take the time to grieve, and remember them.  You are still a Mom, even if no one else can see it.