We went through a lot.
It started two years ago with the job I was at was creating a stressful marriage and household. It drained me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It brought our marriage to one of the lowest points it had been at, it was difficult on our children.
At the very end of that, our daughter passed away. Yes, that was hard. It was hard in new and challenging ways.
Six months after she passed away we found out we were expecting again... then we lost that baby on our son's birthday. Hospitals, post pardum depression, more struggles. Then six months later we lost yet another baby. Only this time, I was declared medically unable to have children due to the procedures and surgeries required to save me.
This was a new hard. Not only had I lost a child, lost my health, and lost my emotional calm, I had now lost the future possibilities of more children.
The other day, I heard some preaching that really hit home hard. Through all these struggles, I was becoming angry. Mad at people showing "their struggles" and complaining, when it seemed so trivial to me. People constantly raving about how "strong and amazing" I was so I never needed help (even though I really really needed people). Mad when people would compare other people's grief to how much stronger it was making them. Mad every time I heard preaching about how "gods' plan was the best." It's really hard to see how things are the best plans when you lose your children and then lose your future chances to have more children. Not outwardly mad, but definitely frustrated at people's opinions for how other people's lives should be. Through all of this I was struggling with my Bible reading, and struggling to keep focused on what I needed.
The preaching was about Seeing God can move Mountains. It covered the basics, prayer, faith, etc, but what hit me the most was seeing other struggles through the Bible. Mark 9:19-29. This man watched his child die, but knew that God would take care of it. At times this is upsetting to me because I didn't get the miracle. It's really really hard to watch movies, or hear stories of miraculous recoveries knowing I sat watching my daughter with no brain function for days while other people berated me for my lack of faith and prayer. People literally thought if I tried harder she would have made it. God must have been punishing me. God's plan was never for us to have a girl anyway.
Yes, people are dumb.
BUT, through this preaching it reminded me it's not about everyone else. It always comes down to God. God didn't make my daughter die. Bad things DO happen to good people, even for NO real reason. Sometimes yes, God makes the miracle happen, but sometimes he doesn't. He CAN move mountains, and in so many times in my life he has. But even when he doesn't, we still seek his glory.
At times I even want to blame myself. If I had more faith, things would be different. If I prayed more things would change. But you know what? God is still the same. Prayer and faith work on US way more than it changes God. Our mountains may be forgiving someone, being okay with how things are happening, and learning to trust God when we can't see the end. It's not always the big miracle.
In the end, good or bad, our lives need to be lived for God's glory. Will we ever understand it? No. Will we ever be okay with it? Probably not. But through it all we need to remind our boys that God has a plan for us. It may not be what we see or what we can ever know, but in the end HE gets the glory for our lives. We can't teach and model for our children what we don't have? I don't know how the boys will be forever changed because of what they have gone through, and I know it has permanently changed us all. Now to grow with it and continue to learn.
Through the trials, through the pain, keep praying, keep faith, and above all seek God's glory.
Phil. 4: 4-8
Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
This takes on a whole new meaning after the trials and the hardships of life.
It's still not easy. It's still hard, but there's some light at the end of the tunnel.
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