Being okay with the Mountains and God's plan

For those who were not aware, I have been STRUGGLING hard this past year.

We went through a lot.

It started two years ago with the job I was at was creating a stressful marriage and household.  It drained me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  It brought our marriage to one of  the lowest points it had been at, it was difficult on our children.

At the very end of that, our daughter passed away.  Yes, that was hard.  It was hard in new and challenging ways. 

Six months after she passed away we found out we were expecting again... then we lost that baby on our son's birthday.  Hospitals, post pardum depression, more struggles.  Then six months later we lost yet another baby.  Only this time, I was declared medically unable to have children due to the procedures and surgeries required to save me.

This was a new hard.  Not only had I lost a child, lost my health, and lost my emotional calm, I had now lost the future possibilities of more children. 



The other day, I heard some preaching that really hit home hard.  Through all these struggles, I was becoming angry.  Mad at people showing "their struggles" and complaining, when it seemed so trivial to me.  People constantly raving about how "strong and amazing" I was so I never needed help (even though I really really needed people).  Mad when people would compare other people's grief to how much stronger it was making them.  Mad every time I heard preaching about how "gods' plan was the best."  It's really hard to see how things are the best plans when you lose your children and then lose your future chances to have more children.  Not outwardly mad, but definitely frustrated at people's opinions for how other people's lives should be.  Through all of this I was struggling with my Bible reading, and struggling to keep focused on what I needed.


The preaching was about Seeing God can move Mountains.   It  covered the basics, prayer, faith, etc, but what hit me the most was seeing other struggles through the Bible.  Mark 9:19-29.  This man watched his child die, but knew that God would take care of it.  At times this is upsetting to me because I didn't get the miracle.  It's really really hard to watch movies, or hear stories of miraculous recoveries knowing I sat watching my daughter with no brain function for days while other people berated me for my lack of faith and prayer.  People literally thought if I tried harder she would have made it.  God must have been punishing me.  God's plan was never for us to have a girl anyway.



Yes, people are dumb.

BUT, through this preaching it reminded me it's not about everyone else.  It always comes down to God.  God didn't make my daughter die.  Bad things DO happen to good people, even for NO real reason.  Sometimes yes, God makes the miracle happen, but sometimes he doesn't.  He CAN move mountains, and in so many times in my life he has.  But even when he doesn't, we still seek his glory.

At times I even want to blame myself.  If I had more faith, things would be different.  If I prayed more things would change.  But you know what?  God is still the same.  Prayer and faith work on US way more than it changes God.  Our mountains may be forgiving someone, being okay with how things are happening, and learning to trust God when we can't see the end.  It's not always the big miracle.

In the end, good or bad, our lives need to be lived for God's glory.  Will we ever understand it?  No.  Will we ever be okay with it?  Probably not.  But through it all we need to remind our boys that God has a plan for us.  It may not be what we see or what we can ever know, but in the end HE gets the glory for our lives.  We can't teach and model for our children what we don't have?  I don't know how the boys will be forever changed because of what they have gone through, and I know it has permanently changed us all.  Now to grow with it and continue to learn.

Through the trials, through the pain, keep praying, keep faith, and above all seek God's glory.

Phil. 4: 4-8

Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

This takes on a whole new meaning after the trials and the hardships of life.  

It's still not easy.  It's still hard, but there's some light at the end of the tunnel.  

Back to the grind.. Homeschooling after the New year

SOO... I know that many people see my facebook and think we have this "amazing" life.  Well, yes, we do.  But what you don't see is the day-to-day hot mess that our family can be.  The days I sip my hot chocolate and think, "Wow, we have this perfect life"... somewhere in the back of my head anyway.  And then my amazing children give me a wake up call to remind me we are all a hot mess, and that's okay.   You don't see the tears.  You don't see the week of laundry I keep forgetting to fold.  You don't see the schoolwork I'm procrastinating. You don't see the days I watched movies because I didn't want to cope with anything else. 

You just see the "perfect" moments I share on social media.

One of my favorite things to do is look back on my last few January's of blog posts.  Yes, I took a six month hiatus this year as I struggled with very deep depression and other life issues, but today I look back at my posts.  The ones where I went back to working out, the ones where I minimized and de scheduled, and the ones where I focused on self-care.

January is hard.

The post-Christmas, adrenal crash is so very real.  We have Vacation, Christmas, company, New Years, and then Sam's birthday!  So yes... we had three weeks of no real schedule, and tons of TV and video games, and board games, and junk food... and now we have to hit the reset back to "real life."

This morning I had plans for a beautiful breakfast, a good "kick off to school" again fun day!  And then my glorious pinterest-perfect plans went cattywompus when my "perfect" kids brought me back to reality.

I woke up to a sleep-deprived me (because the dogs had to go outside ten times last night), and my five year old decided that the ONLY acceptable breakfast was sugar, instead of like REAL delicious pancakes and eggs.  The my seven year old started crying because he didn't want to do school he only wanted to play video games all day.  To top if off my nine year old decided he has never seen anything we learned all semester and life is hard, which turned into hour of crying over school. 

No, mornings don't go as planned.  Yes, there was some hard core crying, fussing, whining, and putting our house back together.  At the end of the day, Yes, we are a hot mess.  No, my life isn't perfect.  Do we have perfect moments??  Oh yes.  Do we have a perfect life?? Oh no. 

Not dwelling on what I think expectations should be, but just embracing our family.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Photograph the sweet moments because you'll need them in the rough moments.  Remember the days of sugar swapping, media detoxing, and eyeball crying is all worth it for the days where they love and support each other, learn to read together, and grow as a family.

Embrace the moments, live the chaos, and remember it all goes by in a flash.

Learn to slow down.  Learn to be okay when it's not perfect. 

I've learned more than anything this past year that life is hard.  Emotions are hard.  Raising happy kids is hard.  What's not hard is showing them unconditional love, and show them it's okay to be a mess.  We all are a mess.  No one is perfect and that's okay.  Embrace who THEY are, and grow them into the amazing humans they are becoming.  Don't expect perfection, and love them through the mess.

New Years 2020!

So going back.. I've done ROOTED in Christ, BALANCE in life, MINIMAL in all...

It's been a interesting year.  In some ways the hardest, in some ways it was amazing.

Did I succeed with Minimal?  Looking back some would say no.  I built up my music studio to the biggest it's ever been, I was working mostly full time, while homeschooling, while doing college.  But in other ways.. I did Minimize.  I minimized the drama, I minimized the people who don't invest in my life, I minimized my home.  So I guess it helped, even if I didn't get there like I planned.

This year, my word is CONTENT.   I realize that I am constantly comparing, obsessing, and trying to get to the "next thing".  My goal for this year is to learn to be content in the phase I'm in.  At times, this is painfully hard.

Losing 5 children in four years has made life hard.  It makes me constantly look at the "could have beens" and "am I doing enough now?" moments.  My goal is to embrace where I am now.  Embrace the kids I still have.  Don't worry about being more, but embrace the mama, wife, and person that I am now.

This year I see how we minimized the busy-ness of school by going back to homeschooling.  We slowed down a lot so we could see our kids more.  I moved my music studio to our home which enabled me to be there for my family more.  John and i traveled to California and had an amazing time.  Our kids got to see the Grand Canyon, and many other things this year.  We minimized the petty things to embrace the big things! 

This last year we did some incredible adventures and traveling.  I'm graduating with my bachelors this May.  We are moving cross country for a fresh start. 

I cannot wait to see what this next year holds.  I'm so thankful for the true friends that stayed through the hard times, and I'm excited to see how God changes our family and grows us together as we reset.

Here's a small glance at a couple highlights from this last year.