To be loved

​To be loved and not known is superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear.  To have both is perfection. 

I read this quote earlier today and it resonated so deeply with me.  Most of my life I feel that people say they love me but never want to get to know the messy side of me so it stays surface.  Then I’ve had friends who have gotten to know the deep messy side and end up leaving because they don’t want to deal with the real me. It is beyond rare to find someone willing to accept the social good side and the deep mess that we all have.  

A large part of my life I constantly seek the friendships that love me for who I am and not run away when I’m in my struggles.  This last year I have realized yet again how much I’ve fallen apart from hurt but also knowing where to go and heal 

The last year I learned to dig more deeply in Gods word. I learned to still love those who have walked away and be okay when they step away in spite of the hurt.  I’ve learned just how incredibly special it is to refocus back on my kids and family. 

I’ve always loved being a stay at home mom but I also love helping and investing in others.  It becomes painful when I invest for years into people I love like family who then push me away.  

Learning again to just be focused on my kids and I after my intense burnout has been so good.  I know others won’t step in for me the way I have for them but I can still love my kids fiercely and deeply as we all heal and grow together as a family.

Thankful for the slow pace of life and time to just rest and recover as life goes on. I’m no longer looking for new friends.  I just love the people who show up and be okay when they walk away again.  I focus on God first and teach my children to love God when they are hurting and struggling.  

When God does being the person who loves you for your messes and your happy times you hold on and don’t let them go.  They are rare and incredible.   I’m so thankful that I have that person in my spouse and can enjoy just having my family again without the busyness of life. 

Changes and learning to grow and let go

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This year has been full of changes.  I spent a long time shutting down and breaking to the point where I had to learn what areas to let go in.  The hardest one for me has been homeschooling.  

Since the boys were toddlers I have been actively engaged in their learning.  As a mom who got a teaching degree I’ve loved that I can adapt, adjust, and encourage my kids in the areas they need the most.  

Last year when I was at my worst and our home life was chaos I enrolled my kids in private school in order to give them some stability in the chaos.  That sadly got uprooted again and I spent months with my kids in the quiet learning ourselves again.  

With this school year I started engaged and ready for a full year with them again but life kept being crazy again between a new relationship starting and buying a house and then traveling to their dads.   We all were navigating such unknowns that my relationship as their mom struggled over my relationship as their teacher.  

My heart wanted to be gentle but my brain and anxiety was not allowing the stability and consistency they needed.  Part of it was in my control and part of it wasn’t.  

Putting my kids on video school was almost panic inducing for me. It was me giving up my learning and teaching and engaging with my kids. It was me reliving my fears and worries when we had done it before with videos and they got overwhelmed and daily crying.   In spite of all my fears I knew they needed the stability and routine I had not been able to provide and challenge them the way I needed to. 

Thankfully this change is providing even more calm and consistency again! They are feeling engaged and calm.  They are realizing they can push harder without me fighting them and forcing them to be pushed.  Mentally it has been good for me to focus on the home again and not mentally wear myself out teaching multiple grades.  

Even though this season of life is not what I planned and is not looking how I wanted, I can see that it is giving me the physical and mental recovery I desperately needed.  It’s allowing my kids to still homeschool but feel challenged and engaged with other teachers.  It’s giving us the time to focus on being a family first without teacher mode over stepping. 

I will always feel some sadness as they grow as I miss the hands on engagement and happy memories from before life shut us down with chaos. But at the end of the day we are learning a new normal.  We are growing into new needs and changes.  We are keeping our family calm and loving and healing. 

Even though it’s hard to let go of what was there are times we need to embrace the changes and grow through it. Blessings happen when we learn to grow through the mess and come out different on the other side. 

Life may not be looking how I planned, but at the end it’s turning out with much more blessings and growth that I desperately needed.  It’s a lesson I keep learning.  Let go and let God grow us the way we need.  I like to hold onto the security of what I know and I’m learning to see beautiful again through the changes that are