This year has been full of changes. I spent a long time shutting down and breaking to the point where I had to learn what areas to let go in. The hardest one for me has been homeschooling.
Since the boys were toddlers I have been actively engaged in their learning. As a mom who got a teaching degree I’ve loved that I can adapt, adjust, and encourage my kids in the areas they need the most.
Last year when I was at my worst and our home life was chaos I enrolled my kids in private school in order to give them some stability in the chaos. That sadly got uprooted again and I spent months with my kids in the quiet learning ourselves again.
With this school year I started engaged and ready for a full year with them again but life kept being crazy again between a new relationship starting and buying a house and then traveling to their dads. We all were navigating such unknowns that my relationship as their mom struggled over my relationship as their teacher.
My heart wanted to be gentle but my brain and anxiety was not allowing the stability and consistency they needed. Part of it was in my control and part of it wasn’t.
Putting my kids on video school was almost panic inducing for me. It was me giving up my learning and teaching and engaging with my kids. It was me reliving my fears and worries when we had done it before with videos and they got overwhelmed and daily crying. In spite of all my fears I knew they needed the stability and routine I had not been able to provide and challenge them the way I needed to.
Thankfully this change is providing even more calm and consistency again! They are feeling engaged and calm. They are realizing they can push harder without me fighting them and forcing them to be pushed. Mentally it has been good for me to focus on the home again and not mentally wear myself out teaching multiple grades.
Even though this season of life is not what I planned and is not looking how I wanted, I can see that it is giving me the physical and mental recovery I desperately needed. It’s allowing my kids to still homeschool but feel challenged and engaged with other teachers. It’s giving us the time to focus on being a family first without teacher mode over stepping.
I will always feel some sadness as they grow as I miss the hands on engagement and happy memories from before life shut us down with chaos. But at the end of the day we are learning a new normal. We are growing into new needs and changes. We are keeping our family calm and loving and healing.
Even though it’s hard to let go of what was there are times we need to embrace the changes and grow through it. Blessings happen when we learn to grow through the mess and come out different on the other side.
Life may not be looking how I planned, but at the end it’s turning out with much more blessings and growth that I desperately needed. It’s a lesson I keep learning. Let go and let God grow us the way we need. I like to hold onto the security of what I know and I’m learning to see beautiful again through the changes that are
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