How we are doing three months later.

Has it really been three months???  When you lose a child time moves differently.  Every day feels like an eternity, yet it also flies by so fast without them.

We have been striving to be busy this summer.  My goal was to keep the boys as uplifted and fun as possible to help them from spiraling at home too severely from depression.  We are almost back to a semi-normal state of life since Mira passed away.

The hardest part to the readjustment is everywhere we go, I see a gaping hole where she needs to be.  Every time we are somewhere and people comment "oh look, you have all boys" a HUGE part of me wants to say, "NO, I have a girl too!!" but then you end up with the awkward conversations.

In efforts to keep the boys busy and productive, they went to a bereavement camp which helped them a bit.  We also found a sleepytime app called Moshi which has helped Samuel finally start sleeping on his own!  The boys seem mostly stable but they are deeply needy and afraid without mommy and daddy, so little things like them sleeping in their rooms again is a huge step for us.

We also noticed that they were starting to fight more and act out aggressively, so we enrolled them in Tae Kwon Do.  This is a way for them to learn PRODUCTIVE ways to protect themselves and build up their confidence and self control again.  So far they like learning new ways to "fight" but without hurting anybody.

Most days feel back to normal again.  They build tree forts, club houses, play legos, do schoolwork, so I'm glad that it's not a daily fall apart to the extent it used to be.  This month is especially hard for me because it's Mira's birthday and she would be turning two.  Watching everyone else turn older without her hurts every day.  I constantly wonder how much more she would be talking, would her hair still be as curly as it grew longer, would she bug her brothers as much, would she be a tomboy, would we be adding a mountain of dolls to our collection, who would her favorite princess be??  So many "what ifs" that I try so hard not to dwell on.

This all being said, depression can be easy to spiral into.  I have been trying to keep myself busy as well by planning fun trips and focus on the boys.  I also started a new job as a music studio violin teacher with a lot of students.  It's nice to have two evenings a week for me to do something for myself.  I'm also continuing to work on college online, and in a couple weeks we will be doing co op classes once a week as well!  My goal is for us to be growing and bonding as a family as the boys and us learn our "new normal."  But as a mom, I can easily lose myself in my kids, so it's also important for me to do somethings for just myself.  I'm thankful for the opportunity for teaching because it gives me an outlet away from everything else.

This post is not be a downer or depressing, it's just a way for you all to see how we are changing and moving through life.  When you lose a child it's like losing a limb.  You learn how to function again through lots of painful work, but you have a constant reminder of a loss that can never be restored.  It's there every day, whether or not you like it.  You still can be happy again, but you are permanently and forever changed.

We are slowly healing and growing, but life will never again be the same.

Romans 8:26-28 KJV

26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

27 And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what [is] the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to [the will of] God.

28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose.