The Life I didn't choose.... Getting through the Holiday Grief.

This Christmas is by far the most difficult we have ever experienced.

We have worked hard to maintain a happy outward for friends and our children, but every memory is different without our daughter.  Hanging up stockings, and realizing I'm short 4 children devastates me every time.  Seeing only boy presents under the tree without our princess and her dolls is almost too much to bear.  Every sparkly dress I'm not buying, every new hair bow she can never use... the list goes on and on.

Our family made some changes, so even though it's not ever going to be the same, we can remember her and still make good memories with the children we still have.  We talk about Mira, we remember her, we watch videos, and we make sure we don't forget the impact and love she had on our family.  We made ornaments to remember her, but we also don't dwell on it so much that it ruins it for the boys.

How do we deal?  Some days we hole up in bed and fight depression, but making ourselves get up and do ONE thing a day makes a huge difference.  Am I in the mood to make a gingerbread house??  NO.  Do I want to sing Christmas songs?  No.  But teaching our children that even though we are grieving, it will not destroy us.  

I have to remind myself that we are not failing if we aren't doing everything we used to do.  Making new traditions, keeping things simple, and embracing the traditions we can do.  We will still do our matching PJ's, we will still have a great Christmas morning, and we will still cry and continue to love and grow.

Today I finally had the energy to visit her grave again, and finally add some poinsettia flowers.  Some days I can't deal with it, and some days having friends there for me and to talk to makes a difference.  I'm so thankful for the friends that went painting with me for my birthday, and for the people who love on us and check up on us during this difficult time.

When you see us smiling and having a great day, yes, those days happen, but when you don't see us, it's because life is overwhelming that day and I am hiding.

God gives us more than we can handle, because he gives us the grace to depend on him and cast our burdens on Him through it all.

But they that wait upon the Lord 

shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; 

and they shall walk, and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31 | KJV 

And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.

Deuteronomy 31:8 | KJV 

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, 

from whence cometh my help. 

My help cometh from the Lord,

which made heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1-2 | KJV 

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.

2 Corinthians 4:17 | KJV 

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 | KJV