When Church is hard

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So often in my blogs I write about the importance of my spiritual walk with God.  Yes, that is always true for me first and foremost, but sometimemeans not being in chuch. 

Wait.   Before you riot against me.  Let me go into more depth.  I in NO way am saying that church is not good or not helpful, but lately I've had to reform a LOT of what I learned growing up in church and how I needed to take care of me.  

Growing up we learned to never miss church ever, unless we were about to be hospitalized level of sick.  Suffice it to say, we rarely missed church.  Now this is not bad.  I don't think people who never miss church are good or bad, but you have to realize, that for some people during differeny periods of life, church is not always the answer.

Do you know what I learned from never missing church?  I learned how to fake being happy.  I learned how to be socially appropriate.  I learned to "say the right thing" but when I acutally needed help I didn't know how to ask.  I learned that everyone would pray for you, but rarely would they sit with you when you cried and fell apart.  I learned that the importance of living up to others expectations was more important than being happy and taking care of my own mental health.  

Did I learn about God?  Yes I did.  I ended up getting saved.  I learned a lot about the Bible, but sadly what I learned more was that Christians would judge, attack, and disown each other quicker than anyone.  Do you know when I truly learned about God's love?  When I lost my children.  When I had a husband with incurable auto immune diseases.  When I had friends talk behind my back and hurt my testimony.  When the "church" people deemed I wasn't good enough for them.  THAT is when I learned about GOD and His love and grace for me. 

My aim is to always teach my children to love others and show grace always.  Do you know what Jesus never did in HIS church??  He didn't trash talk those he disagreed with, He sat with the sinners, He reached out to those who were hurting, and He actually went against those that spouted the laws and legalism of the day.  Sadly I think that so many Christians focus so much on what others think and want to fit in with, that they forget to show love and grace to others.  When we focus on people instead of our BIble and God, then so much gets twisted.

I've had a hard year.  Hard due to anniersaries.  Hard due to really sinking in the fact I will never have more kids.  Hard also because several women I was VERY close to have stepped out of my life.  These women were the ones I cried to, loved on, and sacrificed a lot for.  What hurt was when they started listening to rumors about me, instead of coming to me, and allowing friendships to die because of it.  It hurts when people don't want to hear about Mira.  It hurts when people won't hang out because I have a husband with chronic health issues.  It hurts when people would rather walk away then sit and be there through the hard times.

I don't blame them.  My life is hard.  Every few months we have MAJOR crisis and emergencies.  I mean, really, our life doens't lead an easy one.  

Back to my original point.  Lately I haven't been at church because it's been hard.  Like, really hard.  Hard to show up when I know my husband's health won't allow him to be there too.  Hard to show up knowing that my ASD child is completely altered from COVID to be ina  good church routine.  Hard to see the ministries I've been plugged into be altered and changed to where I"m no longer needed in them.  Hard to smile and pretend it's okay.  Hard to not smile and then try to explain to 100 different people how much our life can take a toll on us.  

So I took a few weeks off, and you know what?  It was truly healing for me.  It let me spend extra snuggles with my kids. It let us watch church from our home without the hustle and bustle and stress of three kids mostly by myself.  It let me cry and praise and worship without worrying about what everyone else might think.  It let me really dig into my Bible and reset some of the hurts from my legalist childhood that I had to deal with.  It let me mourn the friends who have walked away.  It allowed me to truly REST on a Sunday and not be burning myself out with 10 different ministries and constant rushing of a Sunday.  

I still grieve friendships, even though I don't blame them.  I still pray for those who I know will follow the preacher over the Bible.  I still try to show as much grace and love to others no matter what happens to them later in our lives.  I will continue to nurture my children in the Bible and teach them to love their local church and people.

Yes, we are getting ourselves plugged back into church slowly.  We are readjusting routines, and we are learning to heal and grow as a family.  We are learning the importance of church, but also the importance of a break when it's needed for our mental health.

As a friend recently told me, "Church is for YOU, not you for the Church."  If the church only cares about you when you are doing for them, but they can't minister to you when you struggle, then guess what?  You are not in a healthy church.  Do you know what's healthy in a church?  What's healthy is when a church loves on you, ministers to you, and doesn't care what you contribute to them.

Find God's love.  Find a true church.  Find people who will love you for you!

If you have to change for a church or friends, then they aren't true friends or churches.  I hate how long it takes me to figure some things out, but I"m thankful that through our trials, that our kids can learn to heal and take care of themselves too!