Slow down summers

This has been our first truly slow summer.   Yes they have their one or two summer. Amos for church, and we did a one week vacation. This summer I decided no reading lists, no weekly plans, no must haves, just every day sleep in (or wake up early), plays, explore, swim and just enjoy our summer.  No homeschooling, no summer school, no weekly play dates, just enjoying our slow down.

So far our kids have been calmer, happier, and overall less stressed.  Sometimes we need to remember to just slow down and let them be kids.  Let them get bored.  Most of all, let them be loved.

So here is so slower summer, more popsicles, more swimming, and more family time.

I pray that our kids remember these sweet lazy days as fond memories.

Later I’ll post more of our vacation adventures!

What Makes a Great Father and Husband.

I am forever thankful that God has brought my incredible husband into my life.  As many know, we had a very rocky start, but over the years I become even more grateful for how incredible he is!

With Father's Day today, I was going through a mental list of what makes a good Father and Daddy??

These are not in any particular order, but just some of the many reasons I am thankful that my boys have an incredible man to look up to and raise them!

1.  He puts his family above himself.

I know many men who think of themselves or who only want what's best for them.  My husband, through all of his injuries, health, and struggles has ALWAYS put his family first!!  Even when times were incredibly hard, he sacrifices his own wants so that his family can have what they want first.

2.  Leads by example.

He doesn't just "say" what he wants his boys to be, but he sets forth an amazing example of a strong and Godly man.  He teaches his boys to read their Bible, go to church, pray, and talks with them through their struggles.  He shows them it's okay to feel emotions, and still how to be a strong man.

3. He spends quality time with his children.

Our boys will never know or understand how incredible of an opportunity they have had, having their dad home with them full time.  They get more time with their dad than most children ever get, and it has helped shape and mold them into amazing young boys already.  He makes sure to spend quality time with his boys and train them into them men they need to be.

4. He shows unconditional love.

When our children mess up, or when things are hard, he shows them he loves them always.  Through discipline, adventures, and struggles, they have a father who shows the example of God's love and correction in one of the best ways I have ever seen.



5.  He challenges them as they grow.

John is constantly challenging, growing, and sparking ideas into our boys as they grow and mature.  One day they will have to lead their own families, and I'm forever thankful they have an incredible man to look up to and follow.  They can always go to him for questions and answers, and I'm thankful we have grown together and that he continues to follow God in all things.

Slowing down is good sometimes.

So at the beginning of the year I was focused on SLOWING DOWN.  I hate saying no to anything so I end up over committing and spiraling into busyness, instead of taking time for myself.  It's a constant battle of wanting to stay involved, not going stir crazy, but still taking time for healing and rest.

From January-March I could already feel my schedule going crazy!!  Traveling constantly for music students, running around with homeschooling, field trip, getaways, vacations, and I was already committing to more.  I finally had to put my foot down and just SLOW DOWN what I was doing. 

We made a home music studio, so I don't have to travel as much for music lessons, and it gives me a lot more time with my boys and my husband because I'm not gone all day.  I still teach twice a week at Music and Arts which gives me a good "work day" without being overwhelming.  During the week it's been so much nice lately.  No big plans, just taking a slow summer and resting and healing.  Yes, we still meet up with friends, yes we still have fun, but it's not an every day "must do something".  The kids get more time to play legos, play board games, go bug collecting, go swimming.... just days to do nothing but clean up and play.

Recently a sweet friend came down to help me with Mira's one year anniversary of being gone.  It was great to get some girl time, pedicures, and also kept me busy enough I didn't completely spiral into depression.  It was a fun weekend at the beach, and doing a bunch of fun stuff!  I like that we choose the weekends to be busy, but it's not our life. 

Yes, people think I still run crazy, but that's because they don't see just how much amazing at home time we get.  To just rest.  To just be a family.  To just have days with no major commitments. 

I'm loving this new pace, and this amazing balance.  I have church, music, and friends for my social outlets and musical outlets, and encouragement, but it doesn't consume our time and our lives. 

I used to thrive on being busy and always doing things and having a completely full schedule.  With major loss and life changes, I've learned just how beautiful it can be to slow down, enjoy the small things, and give myself time to just be. 

I've learned it's okay to have days where we do movies, snuggles, and lazy days.  I've learned it's okay to go at a slow pace so I don't burn myself out.  I've learned it's okay to say "no" to things when I truly don't need to commit to more.  I've learned it's okay to let go of friends who are more draining than encouraging. 

It's okay to just take care of my family and not have to be "busy" and be everything for everyone else.

There are seasons to life.  Seasons of busyness, seasons of slow, and seasons of joy and seasons of grief.  I never knew before just how physically exhausting deep grief could be.  Being busy doesn't escape it.  Taking time to heal, slow down, and not over burden myself makes a big difference.

I can't mentally handle the busy rush of life I used to thrive on.  I'm learning to enjoy the quiet and the stillness.  Our three boys keep life busy and amazing, and I'm so thankful for them.  I'm also thankful that they are learning to just love being together and being home, and not have to always be out and busy.

When Mother's Day hurts..the things I never knew.

Mother's Day has always been a happy day for me!  It's a day to celebrate my own mother and make crafts and have fun!

Once I had children, it became even MORE special.  I had a sweet baby boy to hug and snuggle and remind me how amazing this journey of motherhood was.  Even on my hardest days, it was something to always enjoy and embrace. 

Now, don't get me wrong.  I still love being a mother.  I still love my mother.  I still love my boys and Motherhood.  It's just a lot different now than it used to be.

The year we lost the twins Mothers day hurt, but I was also expecting my baby girl which helped lessen the hurt a lot more.  It's hard to take that Mothers Day picture knowing that you're missing some of your children..

Last year, the day after Mother's Day, my daughter passed away.  Since then we have lost two more to miscarriage, and are no longer able to have children due to the surgery that was needed in the process.

Last Mother's Day I remember sitting in bed all day hurting too much to go to church but able to snuggle my sweet baby girl and think of the incredible journey of being her mom.  I love our boys, our daughter, and all the blessings they bring to me daily.

This Mother's Day hurts.

It hurts knowing I'm missing five children.  It hurts knowing I wish I would have known last Mother's Day how different life would be.  It hurts knowing that every Mother's day reminds me how many of my babies I'll never get to hold again.

I have a new outlook.

I now understand the pain of knowing you'll never have another child.  I understand the mom's who are sitting there empty-handed knowing they should be holding their sweet babies.  I'm so thankful for the children we still have, but it is a hard journey when you are missing the majority of your children.

This Mother's Day be thankful.  Hug your mom if you still can.  Hug your sweet babies.  But also remember to be gracious.

Give an extra hug to that mom who may not look like a mom because her babies are in heaven.  Give a hug to that mom who has spent years with infertility.  Give a hug to the other ladies who may need a reminder that they are not forgotten.

If you are a mom that is hurting this Mother's Day remember to give yourself grace.  Give yourself the grace to cry and not be okay all the time.  Remember it's okay to grieve and hurt, just don't allow yourself to live there every day.

It's okay to know that you are missing your baby.  It's okay to remember their due dates, their birthdays, their names, and know that they are always a part of your family.

It will still hurt when you see the cards, the flowers, and mother's being honored for various things.  It's okay to be happy for them, and it's okay to not be okay.

I now know what it's like to hide all the Facebook ads that have the Mother/Daughter matching dresses.  I know what it's like to avoid all the Mothers Day banquets, and events, and cute things. 

Every Mother's Day is a mix of joy and sorrow.   Joy for the amazing children I still have, and the great memories I get with them; and the sorrow that I can't hold my other children ever again. 

Take a day off social media.  Take a day to remember your babies.  Take the time to do what you need to get through the hard days.

Know that you are not alone.  Know that I am praying for you as I hurt through this too. 

If you have your children, hug them extra and be ever so thankful for the memories you still get.  If you aren't able to hug your babies anymore due to loss, take the time to grieve, and remember them.  You are still a Mom, even if no one else can see it.

When you're not the same you anymore

Over the last three years we've lost five children.

Four to miscarriage (one second trimester miscarriage) and one to an accident right before she turned 2.

What I realize after this most recent loss, is I'm not the same person anymore.

I still look at out current youngest and every day wonder about the five siblings after him.  Every time people ask about if we would ever try for a girl, but they never realize we already had that.  It's a daily struggle with awkward questions and learning life around the extreme loss and grief that it creates.

Losing your children, no matter the circumstance, changes you.  You lose your ability to deal with fake friends.  You lose the ability to sit through "emotional" movies.  You lose the ability for a lot because every day is a new survival mode and it takes a lot of energy.

You know what else has changed?  A lot.

I've learned it's much easier so show grace for my children rather than anger.  Life is too short to spend being angry and upset.  I've learned the importance of love through the trials rather than judgment.  I've learned the value of the true friends who stay close, and learn to let go of those that aren't. 

I've learned the difference a support system can make.  Because this is not a one time loss, or a one time journey.  This is a life long change, and each loss adds to it.

Yes, I'm still me.  But I'm the not the same me.

I have a lot of patience is new areas, and less tolerance of fake-ness in others.  I've learned the importance of my children and my family.  I've learned to smile and show Joy through God even when my insides are crumbling.

This is not for pity.  This is just to say, all of us are constantly changing.

You will either get bitter at your circumstances, or you will get BETTER through your circumstances.  With God's grace and help I continue to pray we get better as a family.  The trivial things are just that, trivial.  Don't sweat the small stuff, and be okay with letting go of the things that are toxic for you.

Remember that although the extreme hurt is for a season, this is a permanent change.  If you lose your leg it is a permanent loss.  You learn to work around it and live around it and have a great life, but life is never the same.

When you lose your children, every single day you will see the gap and the hole, but over time you learn to live with and around that hole and still have a life with the children that are left.

The finality of knowing we will never have more children is hard.  I kept hoping somewhere we would have another daughter again, or have a few more kids and keep growing.  God has other plans, and moving on as the family we are is a new journey.

Continue to pray, and don't forget to check in on your strong friends. 

Everybody has grief and struggles.  God helps in a way no one else can, but a true friend can make a big difference too.

But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.

1 Peter 5:10 | KJV 

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, 

whose mind is stayed on thee:

because he trusteth in thee.

Isaiah 26:3 | KJV 

Be still, and know that I am God: 

I will be exalted among the heathen,

I will be exalted in the earth.

Psalm 46:10 | KJV 

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4:16 | KJV

Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O Lord. 

Lord, hear my voice: 

let thine ears be attentive 

to the voice of my supplications.

Psalm 130:1-2 | KJV 

But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God.

Acts 20:24 | KJV 

How do I do it all?? The reality is...

I don't. 

People ask me weekly when they see my schedule, "HOW do you do it ALL??"  "You must be super energetic" "You must be a super mom!!".  Although a big part of me wants to say of COURSE I'm amazing and can do it all.   The reality is I CAN NOT.

Step one:  Rely on God.

Through the worst of the worst and the best of the best without God to comfort and guide so many areas of my life I would not make it.  I would be more of a mess than I already am, my marriage would not be as it is, and I would not be raising my children without God's guidance.  In short, there is a LOT of strength when you rely on God and trust in Him.




Step two:  You can never do it all.

I joke that I can work full time, homeschool my kids, clean my house, have an amazing marriage, do college... I can do any two at most given times.  Each of these things is a time consuming and energy draining thing.  I homeschool my kids, teach them how to clean, spend full time with my husband when I'm not out working 4 days a week.

I carefully learn when to give and take.  Some weeks are MAJOR family time because we can get lazy with our bonding.  Some weekends they go to grandmas so I can power through and focus on college.  Some weekends my husband and I do our getaway and let our house be messy so we can focus on our marriage.  Some weeks we ignore school to reset our cleaning at the house....

Every day you have to decide what's the most important and aim for 1 or 2 things, not all of them.

Step three:  Have a support system!

The moms who help me with Bible study and encourage me... the Grandparents that help the days I can't anymore.. The teenager who babysits so we can get out for an evening... the people who come help us clean... the moms that go on adventures with us.  The understanding music parents who let me reschedule during chaos. 

It doesn't always "take a village" but it's amazing to have the support and love of others to keep you encouraged and built up. 

Step four: QUIT COMPARING!!

Yes, some moms will eat 100% healthy while others do take out.  Some do public school, others home-school.  Some will be amazing cleaners while others have organized chaos.  Some will be there for you no matter what and some are only social polite friends. 

Every mom is different.  Every kid is different.  Every marriage is different.  Every home is different.

Focus on what GOD wants for you and your family and rest in whatever season you are in.

With a newborn, you probably won't have a spotless house.  We have older (4-8 year old) who now help with a LOT of the chores.  My husband cooks the majority of our meals so I can teach music.  We balance, we help, and we do what our family needs for us.  Don't do something just to be like someone else.  You don't always know their story, or why that works for them. 

Step five: Organize where you can.

For us personally having a whiteboard in the living rooms gives us a guide.  We put big appts on there, our weekly overview, and what chores we focus on. 

I dont' do laundry except for weekends because it's too overwhelming during my work days.  We clean every Friday (so don't come over on a Thursday when it's a hot mess.)  We flex our homeschool to work for our family.  We eliminate a LOT of extra commitments.  Each kid does ONE sport (group Karate, yay!!)  I teach them music so we aren't running to extra teachers. 

Step six: Don't beat yourself up when you can't do it all.

 Give yourself a rest day.  Give yourself time to decompress.  Don't over plan every moment.

My husband does the grocery shopping for me and meal planning.

My kids keep the upstairs clean so I never do.

We do what works for us.

Depend on your support system, trust in God, and be there for each other.

No mom is "super mom".  You don't see the days I spend all week curled up in bed and crashing.  You only see the "facebook" side of my life.

We have an INCREDIBLE life and I'm thankful for it, but also realize you see the highlights.

Thank you to all the amazing people who have become our "village" and are there for us!!

Five years later, and how our homeschool has changed.

The other day, Facebook reminded me that we started this incredible, crazy adventure of homeschooling five years ago!

It has been in some ways just like I thought, and in other ways, not at all how I imagined.

We have run the gambit of curriculum, field trips, school styles, children styles, ups and down, but in the end, I'm thankful for what we are doing as a family. 

When I first had Samuel, I knew I would want to home school.  Convincing my husband, however, was another story.  We started doing this because I was bored with a toddler and he LOVED to learn!  We figured we would do our own free/library/printable curriculum and just get him through the preschool phase until he went to a good school.  What started off as a way for me to structure our day a little bit, because a new love of teaching and learning.

I have gone through my doubts, trepidation, and changes over the years.  At times Samuel went to private school part time and homeschooled part time.  At times they were 100% homeschooled.  At times we were homeschooling other families with us.  At times we were 100% private school (but I was still their teacher thankfully), and now we are back to 100% at home, with lots of other activities and trips.

I have tried my run with curriculum I grew up with, and some I loved, some I didn't.  I have found styles that suit our children and family at different stages, and I'm thankful for our flexibility to change as we need to as a family and do what is best for our children in their various phases of life.

I could post all day about why I love My Fathers World, why we switched to Master books, why I don't push handwriting classes, why we do co op at times and not at others, etc, etc, etc.


This is all to say that the reason we home school is because our family is constantly changing and evolving, and in the long and short of it I've learned a few gems.

1) Be willing to change and grow as your family needs it. 

We do not stay the same as moms, our children do not stay the same as people.  The ability to adapt to what we need and what they need is one of the many blessings of homeschooling.

2) Find your encouragement! 

There will be the naysayers, the hard seasons, and the times you want to ship them off to school so you can clean your house and rest for a week.  Remember that although it is physically and mentally draining, it is a season.  Remember WHY you started homeschooling.  Remember the precious memories with your family.  Find those other moms who love, encourage, and lift you up with Bible, hugs, and smiles when you feel you can't keep going.

3) Teach to your child and don't sweat the small stuff.

I have three very unique boys, and what works for one doesn't work for them all.  Don't stress when one was reading at three and one is still not caring at all at 5.  Don't stress when one is a book worm and one hates even the simplest book.  Remember that they have different personalities, and in the end the love, grace, and compassion you have with your children with teach them way more than any curriculum will.

4) Keep GOD the focus and the rest will follow.

Although last, this is by far the most important.  I learned to quit stressed every thing academic (even though we still think they are very important) and teach our children about God, and keep the Bible our focus.  This teaches more than anything else can. 

5) In the end, your kids will grow up, and it will be okay.

Mom, remember that during this long, painful, and sometimes exhausting time of life, you are raising the next generation of daddies, mommies, men and women.  Sometimes you just need to embrace the hugs, the messy papers, and the moments where they finally "get it" with their math!  At the end teach what you can, but if they aren't the next spelling bee champion, or even if they are, that's not what's important. 

We home school so we can instill and teach Godly character into a generation that is greatly lacking.  Pray, love, and rely on God, and in the end it will be okay.

Here are some sweet memories (out of my thousands!!) of our homeschooling over the years.

Music Love, Teaching, and Learning. BEST job ever!!

I've had lots of jobs.. Lots.  Bookstore, Clothing Stores, Army, CNA, etc, etc, etc.

Outside of being a mom (and a homeschool mom) I LOVE being a music teacher!!

I've been a "real" teacher, and I've learned a LOT about why I love teaching music.

Music teaching brings out a love and energy from kids you don't get anywhere else.  It teaches kids to work consistently for something and that they CAN do it!

I could go all day and tell you how music can improve their memory, help with concentration, improves their academics, creates self discipline, etc.  BUT nothing I say can show you what I see in the studio and homes of my students.



I see confidence build.  I see kids get excited over their success and achievements.  I see kids find the joy and spark in what they are learning.

Being a music teacher is one of the greatest things I can do.  It's not about my ability to perform music, but I am grateful for the fact I get to help encourage and nourish the creativity in children.  I'm not going to find the next Mozart, but I can teach a shy girl that she can be successful.  I can help an autistic child express their emotions.  I can help an ADHD child focus and concentrate in an area they can succeed in.  I see the toddlers burst with energy!

There is so much that music does.  Music is the heartbeat of life.  Music connects people across languages, cultures, and ability.  I am forever thankful that I get to share my passion and joy with others.  It's my small way of adding a little bit of color and happiness to other people's lives.

There is no greater joy than to see my children serving God.  But teaching music and creating that joy comes a pretty close second.

Music is how I am able to serve in ministry, it's how my husband and I are able to work together.  Music is how I deal with depression.  Music is how I express my extreme happiness!



Thank you to those that let me share my joy with you and your families.

The face of depression, and the side you don't see.

Do you know what you don't see??  Depression.

See my smiling face?  See how happy my social media is?  See how many awesome friends I have?  See how cute my makeup is?

This is what depression looks like.

What you don't see is when the pain is so bad I can't get out of bed.

What you don't see is when my depression overtakes me and I cry for hours

What you don't see is when my anxiety takes over.

Now, this is not about just me or a "pity me" post.  This is a reminder that not everyone "looks" depressed.  That mom with her new baby?  She might be struggling with Post Pardum that you don't know.

See that mom without a baby?  She's had two miscarriages and you ask her why she doesn't have a family yet.

See that smiling couple?  They are struggling and hurting.

Yes, I'm thankful for my friends.  I have an amazing family, and amazing job, and an amazing homeschooling life.  

But there is a lot that still hits me on my bad days.

Depression does not define me, but it still hurts.   It's a permanent part of my life due to the chemical and hormonal imbalance I struggle with. (and the multiple traumas at this point)  It's a daily and life long balance of mental and physical health for the rest of my life.  

But the days you don't hear from me?  It's probably because I"m too exhausted to keep checking on everyone else.  The days I smile but look empty?  It's because I'm too worn to keep going that day.

I've written other blogs on how I cope with depression, and yes, I still do those things.  No, this is not a cry for help or concern.

Sometimes it's just a good reminder that others are hurting.  

The person that is always reaching out to you might just need someone to reach out back to her.  

Check on your strong friends, for very often they are there for others, and people forget to check on them.

When you are struggling remember:

Still GET UP every day.  Even when it hurts

You DO matter to others

Take care of yourself.

Hiding out with chocolate and Netflix is ok but don't forget to take a shower too at some point.

Traveling with my kids and why I find it so important!

Traveling with my kids is something I've found more important as they grow older.

Some of the best memories I have with my family is our long road trips.  In our old travel van in hot summers and looking out the windows seeing what there was to see.

For me it was the best because I had two weeks with my parents and we got to explore and learn new things.  Now, for my kids, I'm sure they won't look back with the same memories I did, but this is not for them, it's for me.

I am forever grateful for my memories with my parents growing up, and I'm thankful for creating new memories with my kids.  Some trips are like our CA trip where we did Grand Canyon and Yosemite and Disneyland, but others are like our NY trip this last month.

This trip was more about seeing family, experiencing snow, and getting family time together.

These trips do many things:

1) It unplugs us from our normal commitments and schedules.

It's so easy to get caught up in the every day chores, commitments, and sometimes drudgery of life.  Getting away with no dishes, no school, and no daily commitments can be a good way to just reset and unplug as a family.

2) Learn about other areas and cultures.

Even though we stay in the US (for now anyway) our kids have met people from all walks and styles of life.  They have spoken with people all around the world and have heard their stories.  It also lets them try food and styles from other parts of the United States.  This last trip, they got to fully enjoy the SNOW.  For these Texas kids, that was a major life event.  It let them understand why some people have different references for Winter than we do.  It gave them a perspective that did not previously have.

3) Gives us family time

Granted, we get a LOT of family time with homeschooling and being with our kids 24/7, but it's different when we travel.  We talk about what we are traveling to, thinking about, or learning about every day instead of getting caught up in the day-to-day of regular life.  We learn to live with a lot less for periods of time.  Less stuff, and more time.

When you are in close quarters for any length of time... you really get to bond.  There is no hiding out.

4) It gives us memories.

Yes, we all have memories as children, but I love that the most memorable ones are the things we do outside our normal lives.  I pray that my kids look back on these adventures and learn to find the adventure in their lives too when they some day become parents.  I want them to seek adventure and cherish family.


I'm thankful for the life that my husband and I have and that we are able to travel and do things we wouldn't typically be able to do.  It doesn't come without a lot of hardship in other areas, but I'm very thankful for the good and the breaks we get in between.

My babies were babies too...

Hello everyone. 

Warning for those who have lost to miscarriage, this post may be upsetting, although not graphic.


I normally never post political anything, so this is not that area, even though some may see it as such.

It is also very rare that I post about my twins, although people close to us know about them and their impact on our family.

I just wanted to take a moment to share my heart especially with all I've been seeing lately about abortion.

I have heard it ALL.  Why people have abortions, and this is not what I'm here to discuss.  People know how I feel about it.  I believe strongly that a baby is a human from the moment of conception and abortion is the murdering of those helpless babies.  I don't hate those that have had abortions, but I do deeply mourn for them and their babies.  However, this is not what I'm here to talk about.

As few people know, when Ezekiel was 8 months old I found out I was pregnant.

This was not planned, and it was very shocking.  I was so much in shock I became angry!  I was angry at the fact I was already struggling physically and emotionally and now would have four children under four years old even though I had done things to prevent my pregnancy.

For me abortion has never been a consideration ever.  Even when I was recommended to for my health.  Even when people told me how much better for me it would be.  This was even before I had ever lost children.

For me the thought of a miscarriage or loss never occurred to me to happen.  I had three healthy babies and perfect pregnancies and easy deliveries. 

With the twins I didn't even rush for a doctor appointment because I knew I was pregnant, the clinic had confirmed it, but I had never had any issues before either.   Due to insurance issues, it took until I was almost 16 weeks to get me in for my first "heartbeat" check and ultrasound.  I was having morning sickness, I was still working full time, and I was still taking care of babies at home and my husband, and dealing with a lot of other things at the time.

I had felt baby movement (although I felt it was crazy early) and I knew that there was a sweet child inside of me.  Until you feel your baby, see the heartbeat, you may not understand that from the moment you are pregnant, you have a child.  You are a mother.  You love your sweet baby.

The biggest shock came to me when during the ultrasound (that I was expecting it to be normal and basic) they told me I was having TWINS~!

This put me in a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts.  I immediately called my husband and told him and started already mentally thinking of plans, names, and everything this would entail.

Very shortly however, I realized something was wrong.  They brought in three different doctors to come check on the babies.  There was no heartbeat on either baby.

This was the time my doctors gently told me my babies had not survived.  Yes, survived.  They had been alive, and growing, and moving.... and now they had died.  No heartbeat, and no more growth. 

They sent me home and hoped that I would continue the miscarriage at home.   After a day I went back to the hospital to be induced because I could not mentally wrap my mind around the idea that I had just lost two babies.  Two, unplanned, miracles that I never got a chance to hold.

After being induced, and going through hours of painful labor I delivered two babies.  These babies were smaller than my hand, but they were still my babies.  They still had all their organs, body parts, and were completely human.

We did name them, we had a funeral for them, and we buried them.  At 16 weeks, we had two baby boys.  Gabriel and Michael. 

Although no one knew my boys, and we never had a chance to hear them laugh or cry.  Even though their brothers never got to meet them, we still had two precious boys.  Do we understand why we lost them? No.  I probably never will understand.  But knowing they are in heaven brings some comfort.  Knowing they never had to suffer or be in pain, and all they ever knew was my comforting heartbeat and voice helps a little bit.

I just wanted to say to people who may not understand.  Even at 16 weeks, my sweet boys had foot prints.  They had a weight.  They had a height.  Albeit, very small, our twins are forever part of our hearts and our memories. 

It also helped me to never take for granted the babies I do have.  Since then we have lost our 21 month old daughter, and we lost another baby at 7 weeks to a miscarriage.  Even at 7 weeks, that baby, Angel, had an impact on our family.

Pray and love those babies.  Pray for the moms struggling with the right decisions, and pray for our nation that God would work wonders.

My heart is grieved, and I honestly wish I personally could take in all those unwanted children.  Go and make a change, be the difference, and pray earnestly.

I just wanted to say thank you for those that pray and love on us.

Thank you for listening to my story.

My Mom Tribe, I thank you!

I'm not a huge fan of the "mom tribe" idea, but in all reality, yes, I do have one and I am thankful for them.

Sometimes my "tribe" is the moms I meet with at the park, sometimes it's my BEST friend doing a coffee date with me, and sometimes it's texts of encouragement because we all have busy lives and kids and can't always meet up.  I am so thankful for the variety of my "mom tribe" because in reality, we all need that encouragement and uplifting we get.

For me the mom tribe is how I keep my sanity on the long days.

My husband is my best friend, but as a man cannot understand why I get stressed out with laundry, or why my youngest has backwards shoes all the time, or why I am crying over burnt toast when I have a fresh loaf of bread.

Moms, you get me.

I'm not talking the high drama, make you feel worse moms.  I'm talking about the loving, accepting, and "Yes, I've been there too" moms.  I'm talking about the friend who hands you tissues when you cry over a missing sock and helps you fold laundry.  I'm talking about the friend who is there at the hospital during the rough times, and loves you through the crazy.

Sometimes my "tribe" isn't even the people I see day to day.

Sometimes it's the praying moms.  The moms who love me from a distance and pray for me and encourage me even though they can't be here to hug me.

Sometimes it's not even the "MOMS" at all!  Sometimes it's just the sweet ladies who are there for each other.

I'm thankful for you all.

Thank you for being there during the good and bad times.  Thank you for loving me through depression and grief and silliness.  Thank you for not judging me when my kids are different than yours. 

We all need love and grace from each other.  As moms, we get that a little easier than others.

Be that mom for someone else and say Thank You to those who are there for you!!

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.

Ecclesiastes 4:9 | KJV