My babies were babies too...

Hello everyone. 

Warning for those who have lost to miscarriage, this post may be upsetting, although not graphic.


I normally never post political anything, so this is not that area, even though some may see it as such.

It is also very rare that I post about my twins, although people close to us know about them and their impact on our family.

I just wanted to take a moment to share my heart especially with all I've been seeing lately about abortion.

I have heard it ALL.  Why people have abortions, and this is not what I'm here to discuss.  People know how I feel about it.  I believe strongly that a baby is a human from the moment of conception and abortion is the murdering of those helpless babies.  I don't hate those that have had abortions, but I do deeply mourn for them and their babies.  However, this is not what I'm here to talk about.

As few people know, when Ezekiel was 8 months old I found out I was pregnant.

This was not planned, and it was very shocking.  I was so much in shock I became angry!  I was angry at the fact I was already struggling physically and emotionally and now would have four children under four years old even though I had done things to prevent my pregnancy.

For me abortion has never been a consideration ever.  Even when I was recommended to for my health.  Even when people told me how much better for me it would be.  This was even before I had ever lost children.

For me the thought of a miscarriage or loss never occurred to me to happen.  I had three healthy babies and perfect pregnancies and easy deliveries. 

With the twins I didn't even rush for a doctor appointment because I knew I was pregnant, the clinic had confirmed it, but I had never had any issues before either.   Due to insurance issues, it took until I was almost 16 weeks to get me in for my first "heartbeat" check and ultrasound.  I was having morning sickness, I was still working full time, and I was still taking care of babies at home and my husband, and dealing with a lot of other things at the time.

I had felt baby movement (although I felt it was crazy early) and I knew that there was a sweet child inside of me.  Until you feel your baby, see the heartbeat, you may not understand that from the moment you are pregnant, you have a child.  You are a mother.  You love your sweet baby.

The biggest shock came to me when during the ultrasound (that I was expecting it to be normal and basic) they told me I was having TWINS~!

This put me in a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts.  I immediately called my husband and told him and started already mentally thinking of plans, names, and everything this would entail.

Very shortly however, I realized something was wrong.  They brought in three different doctors to come check on the babies.  There was no heartbeat on either baby.

This was the time my doctors gently told me my babies had not survived.  Yes, survived.  They had been alive, and growing, and moving.... and now they had died.  No heartbeat, and no more growth. 

They sent me home and hoped that I would continue the miscarriage at home.   After a day I went back to the hospital to be induced because I could not mentally wrap my mind around the idea that I had just lost two babies.  Two, unplanned, miracles that I never got a chance to hold.

After being induced, and going through hours of painful labor I delivered two babies.  These babies were smaller than my hand, but they were still my babies.  They still had all their organs, body parts, and were completely human.

We did name them, we had a funeral for them, and we buried them.  At 16 weeks, we had two baby boys.  Gabriel and Michael. 

Although no one knew my boys, and we never had a chance to hear them laugh or cry.  Even though their brothers never got to meet them, we still had two precious boys.  Do we understand why we lost them? No.  I probably never will understand.  But knowing they are in heaven brings some comfort.  Knowing they never had to suffer or be in pain, and all they ever knew was my comforting heartbeat and voice helps a little bit.

I just wanted to say to people who may not understand.  Even at 16 weeks, my sweet boys had foot prints.  They had a weight.  They had a height.  Albeit, very small, our twins are forever part of our hearts and our memories. 

It also helped me to never take for granted the babies I do have.  Since then we have lost our 21 month old daughter, and we lost another baby at 7 weeks to a miscarriage.  Even at 7 weeks, that baby, Angel, had an impact on our family.

Pray and love those babies.  Pray for the moms struggling with the right decisions, and pray for our nation that God would work wonders.

My heart is grieved, and I honestly wish I personally could take in all those unwanted children.  Go and make a change, be the difference, and pray earnestly.

I just wanted to say thank you for those that pray and love on us.

Thank you for listening to my story.

My Mom Tribe, I thank you!

I'm not a huge fan of the "mom tribe" idea, but in all reality, yes, I do have one and I am thankful for them.

Sometimes my "tribe" is the moms I meet with at the park, sometimes it's my BEST friend doing a coffee date with me, and sometimes it's texts of encouragement because we all have busy lives and kids and can't always meet up.  I am so thankful for the variety of my "mom tribe" because in reality, we all need that encouragement and uplifting we get.

For me the mom tribe is how I keep my sanity on the long days.

My husband is my best friend, but as a man cannot understand why I get stressed out with laundry, or why my youngest has backwards shoes all the time, or why I am crying over burnt toast when I have a fresh loaf of bread.

Moms, you get me.

I'm not talking the high drama, make you feel worse moms.  I'm talking about the loving, accepting, and "Yes, I've been there too" moms.  I'm talking about the friend who hands you tissues when you cry over a missing sock and helps you fold laundry.  I'm talking about the friend who is there at the hospital during the rough times, and loves you through the crazy.

Sometimes my "tribe" isn't even the people I see day to day.

Sometimes it's the praying moms.  The moms who love me from a distance and pray for me and encourage me even though they can't be here to hug me.

Sometimes it's not even the "MOMS" at all!  Sometimes it's just the sweet ladies who are there for each other.

I'm thankful for you all.

Thank you for being there during the good and bad times.  Thank you for loving me through depression and grief and silliness.  Thank you for not judging me when my kids are different than yours. 

We all need love and grace from each other.  As moms, we get that a little easier than others.

Be that mom for someone else and say Thank You to those who are there for you!!

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.

Ecclesiastes 4:9 | KJV 

Peace with less

So this year I've been working on minimizing.  This doesn't just mean "less stuff" but I've also been reducing our commitments, extracurriculars, etc. 

I've already noticed a difference in stress! 

1) Meals and Diet

Now when we go to the store we have gone down to a basic diet (Whole 30 inspired), which means it's so much faster.  Focusing on meat, veggies, and fruit, means no more wandering every single aisle buying impulse on things I never use and then regretting it.  This has reduced our trips, simplified our meals, and overall reduced stress with that area!!

2) School

Yes, according to social media we look busy, but you don't see behind the scenes. 

Our mornings are slower, where we focus on chores and homeschooling.  I also reduced the schooling pace so we end up with less stress, and actually get MORE done, because I'm not rushing and stressing over every little thing.  Weirdly to me, slowing down our school actually made it more fulfilling and less stressful.  The kids are learning more, and we have less meltdowns. 

My new mantra "don't sweat the small stuff'"!  Now I don't have to hammer in something until they get it.  I just go slow and steady and when it clicks, I let it click.  It's amazing the happy learning I now get from my kids!

3) Extra curriculars

I am that mom that wants to do EVERYTHING!  Soccer, basketball, karate, co ops, music lessons, etc.  We sat down with the boys and they decided that Karate (Tae Kwon Do) is what they want to be focused on.  Now I don't even have to stress that "when is sign ups, and what do we have to schedule next!".  It's so nice to have our evenings focused on Karate, and nothing else!

I also took back over their piano lessons so it's one less running around.  I get that bonding time with my children, and I've saved us money and time we would have spent running around town.

4) Subscriptions

Yes, I'm THAT mom!  The one who wants to have monthly boxes for EVERYTHING!!  How I'm handling this is I picked ONE that we liked the most and just work on that.  I do a six month subscription, and when that expires I reevaluate to see if we loved it or not.  As our things expired and not renewed, I realized how much we weren't using several of them.  The kids didn't even notice that we don't get some of their boxes every month anymore. 

They are just as content to play legos and do other activities together.  Yes, I love the education and enrichment of it all, but in all honesty, it was more clutter and stress.  I may go back to some or just do one for six months, then another one.  As our boys grow and change, so does their interests.  I'm learning to be content with what we have and not have to have "everything" I see.  This also helps me set that example to my boys.  They are learning to be content with their toys and things they have and not always focused on what "new" things they need. 

Less is More so much of the time!

5) Commitments

Yes, I'm also THAT girl!  The girl who wants to be in every activity, every party, every free community event, etc.  I would push so hard to do "every" experience that it ended up a big jumble of stress that no one appreciated. 

My commitments are now to teaching music (and that is going AMAZING!!), and to my kids education.  I also focus our big experiences for our vacations.  Doing a weekly park day for free instead of doing every event also helps.  It's free, it's consistent, and it's slower paced.  I'm not squeezing it between ten other things, and that has changed our levels of stress a lot.

Re evaluating WHAT and WHO are my priorities makes a difference!! 

6) Results

I have more time for ME:  Bible study, college, teaching.  I have more time for what is important to MY mental health and sanity.

My kids are less stressed with the hustle and bustle of life.

My home is where we spend a lot more time and quality time together.


I know this is not a solution for every family, and I don't think it's wrong to be busy.  I just know for me it becomes an addiction of busy-ness which leads to stress, and long term negative for our family.

I do want to do a lot, but I'm happy with the overall slowed down of our family this year.  Now I just need to make sure as time goes on we don't overwhelm ourselves. 

Another season of life we may become busy again, but for now I'm learning to embrace the quiet.

New Years 2019!

Looking back on last year's "New Year" post, I see just how life isn't even recognizable anymore.

Instead of resolutions, I do a word of the year to help me focus.  The first time was ROOTED in the Bible, family, and faith.  Last year was BALANCE.  I worked on friendships, and maintaining healthy boundaries and balance in life.  Even with the death of our daughter, and losing our new baby, and so many other things, we have strived to maintain a balance as a family and keep life healthy.

This year I am working on MINIMAL.  I've realized this last year that I tend to do things all or nothing.  This is good in some areas, but it also made me overextend myself (part of that balance I was working on), but I also end up wasting a lot.

As I strive to keep my home decluttered and more minimal down to what we need verses a lot of junk, I realized I also need to do that for my health and my mind.

Minimize the drama, minimize the negative, minimize the things that are wasting my energy and not improving it.

Although this year was insanely hard, there was still many good factors of it.

1) We went back to homeschooling and focused on our boys and our family! 

This was a much needed blessing that our family needed, and it helped heal and grow our family this year

2) Got a job I LOVED!!

This year my music job has been a huge improvement and impact for my health, my mind, and it has freshened my love of music.  I have many new students, a great studio, and am constantly expanding my opportunities!

3) We did the road trip of a lifetime!

We did our EPIC National Parks/Disneyland trip which our family desperately needed.  It got us away to reset and restart as a family.  I also checked so many things off my bucket list with that trip, it was a decade in the planning for me!

4) New starts, new friends

We made a new church home which has been a blessing for us, we have met and made many new friends with homeschooling, church, and work!  I'm thankful for the opportunities we have had this year.  As a family we also have been doing family devotions more and growing spiritually as a family!  This is a huge blessing for us as we learn to grow and heal together.

Although we still grieve and mourn for the losses of this year, I don't want to forget the good that we had as well.

I am going to get back into my own Bible reading again (I have been desperately slacking), working on my degree, growing my makeup business, and taking care of me and my family!

I pray that all of you have a blessed and amazing New Year.  New Goals, new challenges, and new growth waiting to happen!

I have no idea what this next year holds, but I know that God will get us through it.

The Life I didn't choose.... Getting through the Holiday Grief.

This Christmas is by far the most difficult we have ever experienced.

We have worked hard to maintain a happy outward for friends and our children, but every memory is different without our daughter.  Hanging up stockings, and realizing I'm short 4 children devastates me every time.  Seeing only boy presents under the tree without our princess and her dolls is almost too much to bear.  Every sparkly dress I'm not buying, every new hair bow she can never use... the list goes on and on.

Our family made some changes, so even though it's not ever going to be the same, we can remember her and still make good memories with the children we still have.  We talk about Mira, we remember her, we watch videos, and we make sure we don't forget the impact and love she had on our family.  We made ornaments to remember her, but we also don't dwell on it so much that it ruins it for the boys.

How do we deal?  Some days we hole up in bed and fight depression, but making ourselves get up and do ONE thing a day makes a huge difference.  Am I in the mood to make a gingerbread house??  NO.  Do I want to sing Christmas songs?  No.  But teaching our children that even though we are grieving, it will not destroy us.  

I have to remind myself that we are not failing if we aren't doing everything we used to do.  Making new traditions, keeping things simple, and embracing the traditions we can do.  We will still do our matching PJ's, we will still have a great Christmas morning, and we will still cry and continue to love and grow.

Today I finally had the energy to visit her grave again, and finally add some poinsettia flowers.  Some days I can't deal with it, and some days having friends there for me and to talk to makes a difference.  I'm so thankful for the friends that went painting with me for my birthday, and for the people who love on us and check up on us during this difficult time.

When you see us smiling and having a great day, yes, those days happen, but when you don't see us, it's because life is overwhelming that day and I am hiding.

God gives us more than we can handle, because he gives us the grace to depend on him and cast our burdens on Him through it all.

But they that wait upon the Lord 

shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; 

and they shall walk, and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31 | KJV 

And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.

Deuteronomy 31:8 | KJV 

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, 

from whence cometh my help. 

My help cometh from the Lord,

which made heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1-2 | KJV 

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.

2 Corinthians 4:17 | KJV 

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 | KJV 

Christmas tree traditions!

Merry Christmas!!

So our tree traditions have changed and evolved a little every year.  I grew up with the memories of assembling the family fake tree and LOVED it!  My husband grew up with his real tree every year and LOVED that.   Throughout our marriage we have done a little of both.  We do real trees at times, and fake at times.  This year though, we opted for both.  We got the BIG beautiful real tree for our main room, and a smaller fake tree for the kids area upstairs. 

Locally, there is a place with a fun pumpkin patch every year, but the last few years they've also started doing Christmas trees!  This lets us go through and find the perfect tree for our family.  The kids loved playing on their playground, and helping daddy find the one for us.  We almost couldn't get it home because it wouldn't tie on the roof of our van, but luckily we made it squeeze into our van and at the end all the kids ended up fitting in too!

We went to Hobby Lobby and picked our our favorite red and green ornaments, a new angel for the topper, and then added some of our new annual ornaments.  I like to find ornaments that reflect memories of our past year.  Normally it's a new baby, or a new pet, or something to that effect.   Due to the amount of loss from our daughter, Mira, passing away and then losing another new baby to miscarriage this fall, it was a lot harder than normal.  We decided to still honor their memories with ornaments, as well as celebrate our new home, and work on making new memories together.

Our new puppy, Dottie, also got in on the action!  Although it's not the same type of tree every year, the tradition of decorating, loving, and making memories will always be the same for us.

Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and embrace the traditions, or even make new ones for your family.

Our Disney Trip!

SO I already posted a bit about the Jr. Ranger program because I wanted this to be focused on our Disneyland Trip!

Due to my husbands health, we are not always able to travel as a family.  I was VERY thankful that he was able to fly out and spend time with us at Disneyland, California.  The boys were the perfect age to enjoy it all!

I had been told in the past the Disneyland was more for older kids, but come to find out it's ideal for the ages we have now (4-8)!  The kids were still young enough to fall in love with meeting some of their favorite characters, and they LOVED the kid rides from their favorite movies and fun.  They were also old enough to handle the long days!  Fortunately, because we were in the off season, the lines were not too bad, and we were able to see a lot.  I was glad we did the 4 day pass.  I originally thought it would be too many days for a smaller park, but it worked out perfectly!  We took our time to do EVERY ride they had.  We also got to do the dress up day around Halloween, but still see the Christmas decorations go up the days after. 

Ezekiel was JUST big enough for Splash Mountain and the Thunder Mountain Railroad rides!  He is a roller coaster LOVER now!!  For just four years old I was proud of how much he did with the big kids and how well he held up over all.  Between meeting Mickey Mouse, seeing our favorite Star Wars characters, enjoying amazing New Orleans food, seeing parades, concerts, old western shows, traveling the Mark Twain boat, and much much more, it was a life time of experience!

Samuel and Elijah thoroughly enjoyed the fun, adventure, and seeing some of their favorite movies come to life!

We also spend one full day doing California Adventure.  The boys and I all liked the Pixar experiences, and getting some bigger roller-coasters and more extreme rides such as the Guardians of the Galaxy Tower of Terror!  We traveled through the world of Monsters Inc, and got to go "under the sea" with the Little Mermaid. 

Although I'm thankful for this trip and experience, I definitely am glad we did the smaller park first so as they get older we can do Disney World for the bigger and greater time!!

We enjoyed the amazing experience as a family and with our close friends.

At the end of the day, spending time as a family, enjoying the ocean, and making memories is what this is all about.