New years Eve 2022

​I notice that I rarely put my drama on social media.  That being said, with every New Year’s Eve I look back and reflect on my incredible blessings and look forward to a new set of leaning into God and what He has for us.   I often was doing a word of the year and this last year turned us upside down in so many ways but also have us some of our greatest peace and blessings to date. 

Instead of a word this year I’m focusing on a Bible verse that I want to follow and meditate on.  I’ve been encouraged to see how every year God has used my word of focus to bring me closer and grow me in new areas.  

Through all the things we have been through this year I have seen that when we follow God and trust Him then he gives blessings way beyond what I imagined. 

Psalm 37:1-5

Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

This year, I started off with a move out of state I was not planning.  Although I wanted it to work out desperately and to heal the marriage I was in, it ended up being catastrophic on my mental and physical health which resulted in a final divorce agreement which was a long time coming.  

The kids and I moved back to Texas with no idea how we would work things through or what to expect.  We were amazingly blessed with family and friends who helped and supported us through the hard times.  

The week my divorce finalized God brought into my life the most phenomenal Christian man who despite all my ideas of what he would be like ended up being everything I had prayed for. 

I had numerous other blessings which ended up creating financial stability with my income, my ability to buy my own car and house in my own name, and ended the year getting married to this amazing man. 

I had so many ideas at the beginning of last year of how it would turn out and never would I have imagined some of the heartache we went through, but also received the most amazing stability and blessings. 

Throughout all of this year (and the last several) I prayed and followed God, studied bible, and did my best to keep my kids around biblically minded churches and fellowship.  

When you follow God even through the trials the blessings show through  

To be loved

​To be loved and not known is superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear.  To have both is perfection. 

I read this quote earlier today and it resonated so deeply with me.  Most of my life I feel that people say they love me but never want to get to know the messy side of me so it stays surface.  Then I’ve had friends who have gotten to know the deep messy side and end up leaving because they don’t want to deal with the real me. It is beyond rare to find someone willing to accept the social good side and the deep mess that we all have.  

A large part of my life I constantly seek the friendships that love me for who I am and not run away when I’m in my struggles.  This last year I have realized yet again how much I’ve fallen apart from hurt but also knowing where to go and heal 

The last year I learned to dig more deeply in Gods word. I learned to still love those who have walked away and be okay when they step away in spite of the hurt.  I’ve learned just how incredibly special it is to refocus back on my kids and family. 

I’ve always loved being a stay at home mom but I also love helping and investing in others.  It becomes painful when I invest for years into people I love like family who then push me away.  

Learning again to just be focused on my kids and I after my intense burnout has been so good.  I know others won’t step in for me the way I have for them but I can still love my kids fiercely and deeply as we all heal and grow together as a family.

Thankful for the slow pace of life and time to just rest and recover as life goes on. I’m no longer looking for new friends.  I just love the people who show up and be okay when they walk away again.  I focus on God first and teach my children to love God when they are hurting and struggling.  

When God does being the person who loves you for your messes and your happy times you hold on and don’t let them go.  They are rare and incredible.   I’m so thankful that I have that person in my spouse and can enjoy just having my family again without the busyness of life. 

Changes and learning to grow and let go

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This year has been full of changes.  I spent a long time shutting down and breaking to the point where I had to learn what areas to let go in.  The hardest one for me has been homeschooling.  

Since the boys were toddlers I have been actively engaged in their learning.  As a mom who got a teaching degree I’ve loved that I can adapt, adjust, and encourage my kids in the areas they need the most.  

Last year when I was at my worst and our home life was chaos I enrolled my kids in private school in order to give them some stability in the chaos.  That sadly got uprooted again and I spent months with my kids in the quiet learning ourselves again.  

With this school year I started engaged and ready for a full year with them again but life kept being crazy again between a new relationship starting and buying a house and then traveling to their dads.   We all were navigating such unknowns that my relationship as their mom struggled over my relationship as their teacher.  

My heart wanted to be gentle but my brain and anxiety was not allowing the stability and consistency they needed.  Part of it was in my control and part of it wasn’t.  

Putting my kids on video school was almost panic inducing for me. It was me giving up my learning and teaching and engaging with my kids. It was me reliving my fears and worries when we had done it before with videos and they got overwhelmed and daily crying.   In spite of all my fears I knew they needed the stability and routine I had not been able to provide and challenge them the way I needed to. 

Thankfully this change is providing even more calm and consistency again! They are feeling engaged and calm.  They are realizing they can push harder without me fighting them and forcing them to be pushed.  Mentally it has been good for me to focus on the home again and not mentally wear myself out teaching multiple grades.  

Even though this season of life is not what I planned and is not looking how I wanted, I can see that it is giving me the physical and mental recovery I desperately needed.  It’s allowing my kids to still homeschool but feel challenged and engaged with other teachers.  It’s giving us the time to focus on being a family first without teacher mode over stepping. 

I will always feel some sadness as they grow as I miss the hands on engagement and happy memories from before life shut us down with chaos. But at the end of the day we are learning a new normal.  We are growing into new needs and changes.  We are keeping our family calm and loving and healing. 

Even though it’s hard to let go of what was there are times we need to embrace the changes and grow through it. Blessings happen when we learn to grow through the mess and come out different on the other side. 

Life may not be looking how I planned, but at the end it’s turning out with much more blessings and growth that I desperately needed.  It’s a lesson I keep learning.  Let go and let God grow us the way we need.  I like to hold onto the security of what I know and I’m learning to see beautiful again through the changes that are 

Relearning I AM capable!!

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Through the process of a divorce I am relearning a lot about myself.  I have always felt like I was independent and capable, but through a decade of marriage I became fully intertwined and dependent on a partner (as it should be).  

The last few months I have purchased my NEW own car for the first time!  I also was able to buy my own house completely on my own for the first time! 

I have been very blessed and thankful for a decade to have the help and support from my ex husband.  It was mildly terrifying to think I would be doing this on my own financially.  This whole process I have been shocked at being able to qualify for things.  I have been so thankful for the help and support from so many family and friends encouraging me through this!  

I have learned that I am completely capable of doing hard things I have reassured myself that I am able to take care of my kids financially and it’s made me even more thankful for having a husband helping before and for a fiancé helping me moving forward!!  

I’ve learned I can do the hard things I’m thankful I don’t always have to and I have one so much gratefulness through the stress and through the chaos of all of this

This was a lesson I keep relearning throughout new phases.  Learned this when I got my first apartment at 19.  Learned this again when I joined the army against all people thinking I would fail.  Learned this again through intense trials and struggles with health and crisis.  

Thankful I can keep growing and keep learning!  

I am looking forward to our next phase of life! 

Reflections on marriage

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Yes, I know that coming from someone going into her third marriage this might seem a bit absurd, but I’ve learned a lot over the decades.  I saw some things in my Bible study today that I found good reflections and encouragements as I look into another marriage. 

Luke 6:39

And he spake a parable unto them, Can the blind lead the blind? shall they not both fall into the ditch?

At the end of the day, marriage is unique unto itself and I’ve learned a lot of good and bad lessons looking back into it. 

Marriage when focused on God can be one of the most amazing blessings.  Marriage is also some of the most challenging and difficult things.  It opens you up to be completely vulnerable with another person which opens up to great love but also great hurt.   Marriage when growing in the same direction and you are both directed to God can overcome some of the most amazingly hard situations and traumas.  When one or both start moving in different directions and can no longer work their love past their constant hurts then it collapses.  

Every day it is critical to pray words over your marriage every day.   When you focus on how much your spouse annoys you, disappoints you, or their failures you will never grow a loving marriage.  When you pray and focus you and your spouse through Gods lens, and make the decision to grow together in Gods word you can overcome the most trying of obstacles.  

I personally never went into a marriage hoping it would fail, and I definitely did it wrong in many ways.  My first marriage I focused on the physical fun and tried to grow God later on which ended up collapsing when we were separated due to the military.  We had no solid foundation.  My second marriage we started off with a child and lots of trauma from the military, but we went into our marriage deciding that in spite of our stark differences we were both determined to put God first.  That mindset helped us go through severe health crisis, financial crisis, and lots of loss.  The reason it collapsed is when we started focusing on how much we failed each other through our traumas and quit putting God as the center or our relationship.  

Going into a third marriage I learned the critical point of keeping God the base first.  Before physical, before emotional, before all the highs and lows of life.   When God is your foundation, you can overcome anything because the focus is not on each other and your mistakes as a person, but it’s about an almighty creator who helps keep the perspective on Him!

Here are verses to pray over a marriage to help keep your mindset where it needs to be. I look forward to starting a marriage in the right way with the right focus. 

Romans 8:31

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

1 John 4:16-19

And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.  Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.We love him, because he first loved us.

Deuteronomy 31:8

And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.

Proverbs 24:3-4

Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

Philippians 2:1-4 

If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies,Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Remember whatever stage of marriage you are in to never stop putting God as your focus   Daily pray for your spouse and seek God in where you need to work on your relationship.

We are all humans with lots of problems and focusing on that will collapse any relationship.  

I’m thankful for second chances and the ability for Gods blessings during new and growing phases of life.  I am so thankful for his grace and guidance.   Looking forward to learning and growing in my new marriage! 

Finding the small blessings

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This week we got the amazing blessing to get away with friends and relax at the beach.   Doing this small getaway reminded me of so many small things that add up to big blessings. 

I had a dear friend buy me a cake and a new necklace for Mira’s birthday.   The thoughtfulness and kindness and willingness to remember my daughter meant the world to me.  

Watching my fiancé spend hours at the ocean with my boys and loving them and working with them like his own kids is incredible to me. 

Watching the most amazing red sunset that lit up the sky reminds me of the incredible art and glory of a God who shows up and comforts during the hard days 

So many times people think they need to do the big bold and giant things.  Instead, so many just need the small reminders, the gentle hugs, the acts of kindness, and show up when someone hurts.  It doesn’t take a show of grandeur just small gestures of love and grace. 

Thankful for the people who love me and my boys through our messy days and trying times.  Thankful for friends who don’t judge and who embrace us for ourselves.   

Thankful and blessed.  Looking forward to a wonderful upcoming season of life! 

Encouragement through the heartbreak

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I started working through a devotion book about Seeing Beautiful Again by Lysa Terkhurst.  With all of the loss and chaos and upheaval of my life it’s been easy to feel bitter or upset or depressed.  This book has been amazing for me because it daily refocuses me on Bible through the hurt and loss and seeing how God really does use our mess and brokenness to make something beautiful again.   

This week is coming up on Mira’s birthday.  August is always a harder month for me but even more so after everything we have been through this year.  Seeing her not start school with her brothers, trying to imagine what she’d look like now, and seeing the constant missing piece of our family as Zeke struggles to not have his sister.   

These verses today spoke so much comfort to me through my devotion and an amazing reminder that despite all the loss and emptiness God still has beauty for my life.  

What am I seeking daily?  God needs to be my affection. Am I daily worshipping God and keeping that my mindset?  My mind needs to keeps its attention on God and make that my focus. Keep my eyes focused on Godly things and goals and not the temporary things of the world around me.  I need to be spending my time seeking and focusing on God.  At the end of the day I can stand firm on my choices because I am seeking and following God first! 

James 4:8

Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you.

Jeremiah 29:13

And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

Psalm 29:2

Give unto the Lord the glory due unto his name; worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness.

Colossians 3:1

If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God.

Psalm 16:7-8

I will bless the Lord, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons.I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.

Philippians 3:13-14

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 6:13

Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

This pain and heartbreak will not be the end of my story.   At the end God has a plan and a purpose and makes things beautiful again.